I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
