My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This is my gift to your gina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
