You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
