I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
