You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize