I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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