He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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