WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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