So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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