Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
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captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
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I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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