turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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