I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
