Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
