In America we eat man semen.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He felt like a one man threesome
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
