i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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