You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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