I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
