lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
