connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize