thus making me awesome and them whores
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
