I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
