Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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