I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
