There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
