I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me