This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
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i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer