If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?