If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
be right there i have to get my cape
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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