A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off