1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"