I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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