I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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