It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.