No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything