i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
