I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
