Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
