put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
