I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
3 2 1 whiskey