I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".