The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize