need another drink. this is the easiest way
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
