the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
