Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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