just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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