I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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