So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
