Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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