hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
