I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
