I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize