Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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