Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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