It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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