Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
