checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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